Yech OR I'll Be Better in Three to Five Days.

It's...been...a...long...week. Suddenly, something in my life doesn't feel right. I can't put my finger on it, all of the external life factors are the same, nothing's changed on the outside. But for some reason, I don't feel like myself. Happy-go-lucky Melissa is gone. I've been afflicted with a terrible mood. Everything annoys me. I'm anxious and worried about things I usually never even consider. Suddenly, I'm mean and snappy to everyone, even though I try not to be. I don't like the person I am becoming. The words that are snapping out of my mouth are not words that I believe. I've been yelling at the kids, and rolling my eyes and grinding my teeth and I think, even, sneering at them. I'm minorly depressed. I feel like crap. I'm angry. I'm bored. I'm irritated. I'm think I'm WORTHLESS! I'm a FAILURE, A COMPLETE FAILURE! This creepy voice in my head is starting to say really mean things to me, such as, "You'll never amount to anything," and " Who are you kidding? Underneath, you're just a pathetic loser."

For the past week, I've been trying to figure out why I've been feeling this way. Has it been the fact that until today, the sun did not shine over Gainesville for an entire week? Maybe the damp, grey, wet air was making me miserable.

Is it the fact that the more I investigate teaching possiblities in Gainesville, the more I realize I'll have to get a freaking PhD in order to teach an English high school class? "You pretty much can't get hired in good counties these days without a Masters degree in Education," they all say. Ptooey. Why can't I meet just one teacher who thinks I could get hired with a Masters degree in English Lit or Creative Writing? (They're just jealous.) Still, it's hard to decide what path to take. I'm tempted to move to Bradford County or Miami. I bet I could get a job there.

Is it not having an concrete plan for what I'm going to do in May when I'm socked with $600 rent and hundreds of dollars of other miscellaneous bills? Maybe general "oh-crap-I'm-going-to-get-thrown-in-the-street" anxiety was getting me down.

But usually, these things can't stop me like this. I have the (bad? good?) habit of considering myself fortune's daughter. Somehow or another, I tell myself, things will work out. And they usually do. So what's the big deal? Hey, who wants to go to the beach? Who wants to go out for dinner, my treat?

No, none of those explanations make sense. None of them explain why I feel like I'm crawling out of my skin. None of them explain why I suddenly feel like a stranger in my own body. It's as though I woke up one day and everything was different.

But finally, just a few minutes ago, as I was writing this blog, and rubbing my back where I have a painful cramp, I discovered the --duh-- obvious culprit: PMS!

It never occured to me, becuase I usually don't "suffer" from PMS. I remember sometimes feeling a little "blah" around my period (I mean, who likes bleeding uncontrollably while in public? For an entire week? And carrying an arsenal of cotton wads everywhere you go? Not fun). But I never felt like this.

Pity those who do. Really. Seriously. Pity them. And then run. Far, far away.