I've Got Non-Profit Written All Over My Face


I'm going to become a corporation. I will soon be granted eternal life and a never dying body--I can taste it already. (Insert maniacal laugh). In one of my unstoppable "steamroller" moments I decided not to succumb to the pathetic bureaucracy of the city-- deciding instead, to create my own-- as I become the Executive Director and Board of Leadership Training Programs, USA. (I know, I know, the name stinks but it's explanatory and I haven't thought of anything better yet. I'm at an all-time poetic low).

I've wrote three articles and 10 sections of the by-laws tonight, and I am feeling goo-ooood.

Much better than I did last week, yesterday, and today. You see, I've been walking around with this nasty taste of bitterness in my soul. I didn't know exactly where it came from, and it was really bothering me. I felt like a gigantic rubber-band stretched far and ready to snap at any moment. I was upset with my leadership abilities, and couldn't distract myself from that upset. Even reading Tolstoy with a giant spoon and a box of chocolate ice-cream couldn't quell my distaste or release me from my turmoil. Like a monkey on my back, these thoughts just wouldn't leave me alone:

"You're a failure. One big walking, talking disappointment. You couldn't even stick it out for eight full weeks of summer camp, and you call yourself a teacher?"

"You suck. Ha ha ha! Nanny nanny boo boo!"

"You couldn't doooooooo it. You couldn't dooooooooo it."

"You should just give up and quit. What are you even trying for? It's no use. You'll never be a successful teacher. You thought you had what it takes but then you woke up! Ha ha ha ha ha ha !"

Continuing my work with some of the kids this summer through the leadership training program (LTP) made it especially difficult to confront these voices, because even LTP is a stressful, huge, pain in my @$$. I'm never thoroughly enough prepared, the kids are fighting amongst themselves, I feel like it's taking all of my energy to push these kids along, and I'm so poorly organized that I sometimes wonder if I'm doing more harm than good. I kind of haphazardly threw LTP together with a huge vision, but forgot to check in about all the little details. And I'm not just talking about details like planning our field trip, or the car wash, but details like who gets to participate and what I expect from them and membership requirements and procedure for throwing someone out of the program. I'm such a softie that I need to have these guidelines in place, or else I will let the kids plea with me and sway me off-course from my original intentions.

Anyways, I spent the majority of last week feeling like a failure and trying to tame the voices in my head and heart and soul. It was like David and Goliath--all those huge, looming voices berating me and this one little quite voice that squeaked (rather unconvincingly):

"You can do it. You can do it. Believe in yourself."

Big breath.....hold it...... AND EXHALE. I decided to believe in myself. I never took my money to those creeps at city hall--I kept it in my sock drawer-- and it's going to be just as safe in my possession. The city is not in charge of me or this program. I can make it on my own without them.

I decided to apply for non-profit status so that by being incorporated, I can't get sued so easily. Also, incorporation as a non-profit will allow the program to apply for several really awesome grants that seem specifically tailored for programs like LTP. When I came home from LTP, I sat down and wrote a vision statement, mission statement, and by-laws for the program. It was something I should have done a long time ago--now I have a detailed and specific modus operandi for every forseeable event or process that should occur. I've been in contact with several agencies about purchasing a leadership training curriculum for the kids, and I had an email in my inbox from an retailer of a reputable product who says he thinks it's great what I'm doing and he might be able to somehow get some charitable donations and free supplies for us. Plus, his going rates are better than all the others ($150/kit instead of $245). I decided that I need to participate in an adult leadership training seminar. Also, I got notice from my mom's friend saying that Micanopy had similar problems with their free summer camp and had to shut down early too, and as a result a committee has been formed to address the issues of such camps and would I participate?

I am finally able to breath again. The bitterness in my soul is gone.

When I was working at the camp this summer, I often told people that I wasn't sure if I loved it or if I hated it. I think teaching is going to be the same way--but I also think that there is a possibility as I gain experience that I will be able to turn a corner and say that I love it. What it comes down to is that I hate failure, and love success.

Don't get me wrong. There is still a great deal of anxiety associated with my job. On Wednesday I'm taking three chaperones and 13 unruly kids to the public pool for a fieldtrip. Yikes. So many disasters could strike, it makes my stomach flop.

I also think that some of the stress comes from the beef-up-your-resume factor. To get a job teaching English in this city, you have to be pretty competitive. I recognize that I have done nothing extraordinary yet and want to get hired within the next two years--so LTP is a way to gain recognition in my field. Not that that is the reason I started it--but it is one more very compelling reason not to @^&$ it up.


"The tragedy of life doesn't lie in not reaching your goal. The tragedy lies in having no goal to reach." Benjamin Mays