Breaking Point

Isn't there a Bob Dylan song that goes "something something something, every thing is broken!" ? I don't remember any of the lines except for the last four words, and it's been playing through my head all weekend, because EVERYTHING IS BROKEN! OR BREAKING! OR ABOUT TO FALL TO PIECES!

Hurricane Jeanne just finished making its way across the peninsula: the fourth hurricane in six weeks. This is the second weekend this month that I've spent without electricity. Makes me want to just pack up my bags and go live with the Amish. At least their lives are designed to accomadate frugal living conditions. Our houses are filled with toilets that don't flush, showers that don't work, sinks that don't scrub the dishes when the lights go out. Luckily my mom's boyfriend has the type of personality that makes sure that the tubs and buckets are filled with water before the storm, goes to town expressly to fill up his gas tank, get cash and ice, and stock up on batteries. I'm too overly optimistic about these matters, never willing to believe that the storm is going to actually wreak havoc with my life.

Now that the storm is gone, I went back to my house (a little less dramatically than last time) and found that I still have electricity! Yeah! I'm the only person I know who has it!

Back to everything breaking, though. My tooth is breaking--I need to go to the dentist. My last appointment was cancelled because of Frances, now it is cancelled again because of Jeanne! Because I didn't drive my car all weekend, now it won't start! Church was cancelled on Sunday, and I was planning on interviewing this woman from Peru for my "second language learner" project, which is due on Thursday! Now I won't be able to do it! AGhhhgghggghhhhh!

I feel so despondent. I'm constantly worried that some terrible disaster is going to come along and wipe me and Issac off of the face of the earth. I didn't get very many grants this year for school, so I am really struggling. I leave the house every weekday at 7:30 and don't get home until after 8pm or later. I have two late night classes and I'm working three jobs. Something's gotta give, and I'm worried that it might be me. I am the camel with an extra straw already on my back. If a flea jumps on me, I'll topple over. If there is a rock in my path, I might not be able to lift my foot over it.

I brace myself with reminders that I am very fortunate, and I thank God for protecting me. No car accidents! No sicknesses! No terrible life-shaking news! Humbly, I carry on. But I'm wary. Something could happen at any moment--my immunity is not what it used to be. I guess what I'm saying is that I am feeling very vulnerable right now.

Is that the feeling that one usually encounters just before turning the corner? Is that how one feels after having traveled for so long and having almost reached a desperately sought-after destination? That sickening feeling that reminds you that although you can see your goal, you could still trip and fall flat on your face, that you must keep your wits about you because you are not there quite yet? That unsettling feeling that anything could happen? That your fate is not entirely in your hands?