My morning routine involves finding a parking space at the University of Florida. There ARE no parking spaces at the University of Florida, so I am forced to fret and sweat and drive around frantically in endless loops looking for the best place to illegally park. I am tempted to try a different place each morning so that nobody will catch onto my ruse, but once you've found a good thing it's hard to let go. My latest good thing is the visitors' parking lot at Alachua General Hospital. There are seven separate lots in different locations, which provides just the right kind of variety so that the nurses and doctors and other people who think it is a moral travesty to take up visitor parking don't get suspicious. I must admit that my car is very conspicious-- it is covered with dust from limerock roads, contains a gigantic carseat and a cheap sunshade sporting a patriotic flag on the back window, is filled with toys and clothes and coffee cups and papers strewn will-nill around the floorboards and seats, and has non-tinted windows so that all are priviliged to see its slovenly innards. It is the kind of car that people can't help noticing when it is parked among newer, cleaner models. Though I have crossed paths with hospital employees, I have parked in lot 7 exactly nine times with no problems or visible raised eyebrows.

This morning, however, I became nervous. I varied from my usual routine and ventured into lot 2, which is farther from my destination (UF) but therefore substantially less obvious. Also, its thick trees and roughage provide more cover than the other lots. The first stage--crossing the actual parking lot to get to the sidewalk--is the most risky. It is during this time that people can most easily identify you as an impostor if you fail to continue across the street into the hospital. It wouldn't be so nerve-racking if I didn't carry a backpack.

This morning I was stalked by a security guard. I am certain of it. Shortly after phase 1 of my dangerous mission was completed and I was on the sidewalk walking AWAY from the hospital, a white SUV with blue lettering "Shands Security" slowly began to trail me. Then it did a u-turn and went the other way. After I took a right (which sort of keeps my cover by redirecting me toward a second potential hospital entrance) I saw him again. He pulled into a side entrance and waited. He was distracted by a woman asking a question. I slipped out of sight as quickly as possible by running and jumping over hedges, dodging around corners and making a succession of left turns, right turns, left turns. He never saw me again. Maybe he thinks I actually went to visit my poor old grandma in the hospital, and I'll never see him again.

Maybe it's time to buy a parking decal.