January 14, 2004, Wednesday

I am blogging for the first time. School has been going for less than a week now and I am already absolutely exhuasted. I have early morning classes and I am realizing that was NOT a good idea. Next week I think I will try waking up at 6 am so that we can actually have time to eat breakfast and get dressed properly before we get in the car to drop Issac off at the babysitter and drive me to my bus. Yeah! I just love how the first impression I've made on my professors and fellow classmates this semester has been one of tangled hair and pillow marks on my cheeks, unlaundered clothes encrusted with baby food, stress zits, tardiness, unorganized folders flowing over with errant papers, and pleadings to please let me borrow a pen or pencil. I totally feel like I'm losing it, whatever "it" was that I once had.

Last semester went like a dream: I made two A's and a B, the work never seemed too overwhelming, and I was having fun. I think a lot of this is due to the fact that I lived with my Mom and Henry and they cooked dinner for me every night and cleaned the house, Issac was younger and did not so easily make such a mess, and it was the first time I was really back into the swing of things after separating completely from Mike. I was thrilled just to be one among a throng of people, happy just to be able to talk to people my own age. Also, I was entertaining the idea of dating again and every cute guy I saw was a potential date. Now, every cute guy I see is a reminder that I don't have time to date. This is vaguely depressing.

How do you date when you are a single mom? Thankfully I have some time to myself because Mike is with Issac every other weekend, but this is time that I have to use wisely. I use Issac as a screen to test potential dates.

Cute guy no. one: "So what did you do over the weekend?"
me : "I was so busy. I hung out with my son Issac and had a blast. You know, he did the cutest thing the other day..."
Cute guy no. one: "Oh, you have a kid?" (Shocked look on his face, looks like he might be sick)
me: "Yes he's one year old and we are best friends..."

Sometimes they ask if I like being a mom and I prattle on about how awesome and exciting it is, but I never forget to include how much hard work it is.

Cute guy no. two: "So, do you want to go get some drinks?"
Me: "Sorry, I'd love to but I can't. I have to leave right after this and go pick up my son from the babysitter's."
Cute guy no. two: "You have a kid?" (looks shocked, jaw is hanging open. Looks very afraid.)
Me: "Yes, he's one year old and he is soooo cool. Do you know what he did this morning. Ha ha it was so funny...."
Cute guy no two is looking around for someone to rescue him. He is no longer interested. He wants out.

Cute guy no. three: " So what do you do?"
Me: "Well, a lot. Let's see, I'm an English student minoring in Education, I'm going to be a teacher...I'm in school a lot, and also I'm a mom. So that's mostly what I do."
Cute guy no. three: "Wow, you're a mom?" (Incredulous, seems kind of intrigued)
Me: "Yep. You know, he did the cutest thing last night...."
Cute guy no. three: "Can I ask you something personal? Was it an accident?"
Me: "I hate it when people ask that question. What the hell do you think? My son was not an accident." (I frown somewhat angrily. I wonder why people are such assholes. What are people THINKING when they ask that question? I know exactly what they are thinking. They are storing up the evidence to talk themselves into actually using condoms and other forms of birth control more regularly. They are making a mental note: "see, it DOES HAPPEN. Yikes.")
Cute guy no. three: "Sorry." (Looks somewhat sober.)


Occassionaly cute guy will say something like "right on!" or "cool!" when I quickly reveal my mommyhood status, and doesn't even separate the distance between us as we're talking, but even then dating still seems like such an impossibility. I just don't have the time. And even if I did, I'm not sure I'm ready to get back on that wagon, because I'm not sure what kind of a ride it's going to take me on. My history is one filled with dangerous curves and rocky cliffs, high speeds and hold-ups, wild horses with bits in their mouths. I'm ready to walk on my own for a bit.

So here I am-- finding myself stuck between wanting to spend time with others and enjoying any moment of solitude I can find, in the beginning of a busy spring semester at the University of Florida, and with the coolest little kid in the world.