Yeah! Everything is up now! I KNEW it would work out just fine (sure I did). I wasn't even worried, not even for a second.

So I've been thinking about dating and men and love again. I have just one question--do you believe in soulmates? Where the hell is my soulmate? The concept of a soulmate creates my entire demise--it breeds nothing but hesitation on my part and turns me into a gigantic commitment-phobe. (Yeah, sure, I'll date you, you're nice and cute and fun...but chances are 6billion to one that you are not my soulmate so I'll be moving on soon...oh wow, I am really getting to like you BUT WHAT IF THERE IS SOMEONE BETTER OUT THERE? AHHHHH! Go away! Leave me alone! I'm waiting for my soulmate!) Unless you come with a sign on your forehead that says "Melissa Ferguson's Soulmate" I don't even want to bother.

Then there is the concept of how superficial I am. I base more of my romantic interest in the way someone looks and how big their muscles are, not who they are or what they believe. This has not gotten me far in my life and I have vowed to change it, but this vow is doing little for me. I can' t help but stare at biceps and shoulders and think yummy thoughts. However, there is hope. I thought a short chubby guy was really sexy the other day--it was something about his eyes and his general look--it was very soulful. He could look deep into my soul. (Okay, maybe he couldn't--he knew absolutely nothing about me-- but it felt that way and that is so very sexy). It helps that he was hispanic. I guess the chemistry between people can never be forced. I just know that it absolutely HAS to be there for me above all else and this makes me feel superficial. I wonder to myself, "Why don't I fall deeply madly in love with the nice guy who rides my bus and who likes to speak Chinese and who plays guitar and who reads Tennyson and loves kids and has a close relationship with his sister?" All the qualifications of the type of person I am looking for but missing that one essential element. Sigh.

Truthfully, I don't believe in soulmates. The idea that out of all the people in the world, I will find my soulmate in Gainesville Florida is highly unlikely. Therefore I must convince myself that there are multitudes of soulmates for every one person on this earth. I have loved many people in many ways. Which way is the right way? I haven't experienced it yet, I suppose. It is unfortunate that I believe that different people can be right for you at different times in your life--I don't think I fall into ranks with people who believe in one lifetime love. I think I am too faint of heart, too weak, too afraid... afraid that no-one could ever love me forever and ever. Maybe I'm afraid that I couldn't love just one person for ever and ever. I'm not entirely sure. Maybe my fear of commitment comes from the fact that I don't want to make the wrong decision (so I won't make any at all). They say nothing ventured, nothing gained. At this moment, I feel sort of desperate, like I am on pause. I hope I'm getting some sort of higher wisdom from this patient waiting experience, because its sometimes boring, often times lonely, and altogether frustrating.

Soulmate Wanted: Must be considerate, supportive, adventurous, wise, friendly, and fun. Must inspire me and make me smile. Must not let me get too bored. Bringing out my creative juices a plus. Making sure I don't lose myself in you is essential. Those without intense chemistry need not apply. Must inspire in me a promise and a will to love you forever.