Can't Sleep

So this is what it has come to. At two in the morning, I woke up. No specific reason. Realized I'd left the lights on (that's 300 Kilowatts and hour! Yikes!). I'd fallen asleep again while putting Issac to bed. Did some quick calculations. Leaving the lights on while falling asleep is costing me big bucks--my electric bill was $241 last month. Well, this really got my mind to thinking in overdrive. Couldn't stop thinking. Couldn't go back to sleep. Finally turned the lamp on and finished reading the article in The New Yorker about Alan Turing. Fascinating--the inventor of the computer, breaker of the Enigma code, homosexual genius. In the late forties the authorities discovered he was gay when a friend of his lover robbed his house. They labeled him a sexual pervert and forced him to take estrogen shots as part of his hormone replacement therapy. He commited suicide (or was it murder) by eating an apple laced with cyanide. A poetic death.

I started thinking about the last genius I fell in love with and wondered, again, if he was gay. THAT would explain everything.

I ran a load of laundry and hung it on the drying rack.

I turned on the computer, thinking I might use this time to do something productive. I remembered reading the title of a book, "The Quarter-Age Crisis."

Am I having a Quarter-Age Crisis? QUARTER-AGE CRISIS? How ridiculous. I'm sure I'll be in much more of a "crisis" when I have gray hair and wrinkles and saggy, droopy body parts and my knees don't work and I have arthritis. That will be my MID-LIFE crisis, folks. There is no reason to complain now. Then I thought about how we, as Americans, tend to throw around the word "crisis." A deep part of me felt like bursting into tears at the luxury of using this word.

I thought about how all that is valued at this job of mine is making money and being uber-organized. Organization is something that I don't do too well. I do okay at making money but I don't really like it. I'm not feeling very valued.

I miss having the time to write, to sit down and meditate on something, to bring life to inaminate objects, thoughts and feelings by the simple act of paying them some attention. I miss taking the time to notice and record small, unordinary, daily events and weave them into a larger context that reflects to us our philosophy, our world view. So much depends upon a red wheelbarrow, you know?

My horoscope said that this year is a great year to plan my future, to begin a new endeavor, to go back to school. I just have to decide what it is that I want to do. One thing I know, is that whatever I do, it needs to be something that I can do with passion. And something that I can be in control of. Oh, yeah, and it needs to pay for my new car.

Some things I think I would like doing:

1. Demogoguery: Hosting my own radio talk show. I would have my staff do research on current events and listen to Rush Limbaugh. Then, I would make my own commentary on other people's commentary (like Rush does). I would reclaim the word "liberal." I would point out weakness in other people's logic until collectively, we came to the "truth." The best part? I could hang up on people when I didn't like what they were saying.

2. Law: I'm intrigued by constitutional law. I wouldn't mind prosecuting white-collar crime (in fact, I would thoroughly enjoy it). I'd love to make companies be accountable for the pollution they cause, for the pensions they promise employees, for the health problems they subject employees to. The drawback? Legal documents are very boring after you've read all the best parts.


3. Politics: If I could devote every working hour of every day to becoming informed about current policies and ideas, and implementing new ones, I'd be happier than a pig in sh#t. I could do my part to stop political corruption and play a role in shaping the future well-being of millions upon millions of people. I could give passionate, intelligent speeches about all kinds of things, and meet lots of interesting people. The drawback? 2/3 of my time would have to be spent campaigning or fundraising.

4. Non-profit work: This could be anything. ANYTHING. As long as I was contributing to making the world a better place. Drawback? Won't pay for my new car. Or much of anything, I'm afraid.

5. Teaching: Teaching what is the question. How to teach is the second. But give me an attentive crowd and something to say and I'm totally there. Drawback? Students are ungrateful and you have to become very comfortable with discipline.

6. Writing/Editing: This is natural. But I have huge self-confidence issues that I am only beginning to face. How to develop my repertoire when I don't even have time to update my blog? What to write about? Where? When? For whom? I tried a stunt for pay doing feature journalism, but on top of my other "real" job and Issac, it was just too much. I never wrote my second draft and ran out of time. Now I will never show my face there again. Also, I doubt that this will pay for my car.

7. Dancing: I took ballet when I was 10. I still, frequently, put on classical music and pique turn around the house, doing grande jates and leg extensions, going through all the positions and making my own choreography to the song. Dancers require years of training, but I never feel more alive than when I dance.

8. Farming: It's in my blood. There is something romantic and passionate about being connected to the earth in such a vital way. This probably won't pay for my car, either.