It Was A Dark And Stormy Night...

1. It was a dark and stormy night. She was folding laundry on the couch, watching American Idol. She was alone, all alone. Anyone looking in the window could have seen her in her nightgown, sipping coffee and belting out "Total Eclipse of the Heart" into an imaginary microphone. Anyone could have entered the door and lept across to the couch in three or four quick steps...anyone.

She heard screams outside. Or did she? There they were again. A shudder ran down her spine. Damn cats, she thought, as she rose and went to open the door. "Hey!" she shouted, peering into darkness. "Knock it off!" She was met with nothing but silence. Her eyes strove to penetrate the blackness, to make out any signs of her cat Lucky, who might need doctoring. A warm gust of air blew across her chest, making her chilly. She crossed her arms.

"Luuuuucky!" she called. "Luuuuucky! Here kitty kitty kitty kitty!" She heard the pitter patter of his footsteps and turned watch him running in.

Just then, a rabid, shreiking wild cat landed on her face, attacking her jugular with its bloody mouth, hissing and clawing at her skin.

Yep. Everything happened except for the last sentence. But I was so sure that it was going to happen, you couldn't even see how fast I ducked inside the door, locked it, and ran to hide under a blanket. Sometimes, living by myself, my imagination gets out of control. Standing on a porch staring into pitch black silence late at night scares me. I know that some mysterious animal is out there. I know that it sees me. I know that I can't see it. It could be ten feet tall for all I know. It could be a sasquatch or a swamp monkey. It's a very vulnerable feeling.

Yesterday I had to catch a spider. I was absolutely terrified. Folks, this spider was so big it had a hair-do. I would havewillingly let it live in the bathtub, and showered at a friend's house until it a) left or b) died, but Issac really needed a bath.

Anyways, I checked all the closets, and they are absent swamp monkeys, so now I can go to sleep.

2. Just after the frightening cat-fight/possible-gigantic-swamp-monkey episode, I went onto the back porch to throw out some compost and saw a huge white opossum with red eyes. I said, "Hi. Now go away!" and kind of shooed my hands at it and stomped my feet. It just stared at me, and then moved closer. I got freaked out and ran inside and locked the door. Possums look like rats the size of small dogs, for those of you who have never seen one. Maybe this was the mysterious enemy of my beloved Lucky?

3. After some consideration, I have decided that I have nothing to fear-- at least not in the way of gigantic, rabid, ill-wishing animal or monster intruders. That's right--Lucky, my fierce and loyal cat companion, will fight them off. Opossums, swamp monkeys, sasquatch. No job is too big for the orange prowler. (He thinks he's a dog anyways, so please don't tell him he's only an eleven pound cat.)